Again, its been a hot minute when I last posted (sorry).
Basically, although things have slowed down in terms of drama (on the most part) mentally.. its still been a pretty big dipper.
Dates have been and gone but weirdly despite initial upset and bumps, I am better now for it. Including closing certain chapters off myself.
Whilst still being open to new ones, which is quite an achievement when things have been so rough the past few months relationship wise! Sometimes it takes it getting worse with a bit of a shock, to make you re-evaluate and come more to your senses.
However, that’s really a side issue. The biggest thing has been returning to work. The longer I was away, the bigger the ball of anxiety was becoming snowballing uncontrollably.
The turning point was late on a Sunday when I came to finally packing up my car to drive back to Manchester for work the next day. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and ended up sat crying on my drive, filled with dread of even going near the city after the traumatic associations there.
I ended up calling my mum who has been back with me having a wobble (mainly thanks to dating, cheers guys) and she ended up supporting me to return to work and for some of my initial days. Of course, it wasn’t as bad as I was thinking it would be. However, it was exactly the same issues that have come up since, which again has made me know its a good decision I have made going forward (more on that next).
My breakdown beside my car made me realise I needed to leave my current job (and Manchester itself) behind. I am having weekly therapy now and through this too, I have realized I need a ‘fresh start’ and ‘clean break’ from everything that has happened during this job as well as the main reason I moved here. Moreover, the commute is unpleasant so that when you have anxiety and depression – any extra obstacle feels like a huge impossible mountain to climb.
Its been reaffirming that everyone in my life has been supportive about this decision. I should of made it weeks ago but felt too ashamed and like a failure to leave. I kept testing the waters so to speak, with people in my life and that never went down well – until now. Mainly because they have seen just how distressed I have been. Every time it came to it – I just felt unstable, no sleep and constantly anxious. No job is worth that, particularly on the money I’m on! Especially when you left a well paid job with fewer hours.
It’s a big lesson learnt, I have learnt a lot about myself and proud of adapting to driving and travelling to the city (when I am very much a small village/town kinda gal). Driving in Manchester was always an anxiety point for me, but I now have routes I know and my knowledge of the area has increased drastically – so if the right opportunity comes up in the future…who knows?!
It’s bittersweet but I am all about closing this chaotic year and starting anew. I’ve decided to write off 2019, its been hard because when you majorly relapse – it feels like everyone else has had their best year ever – or those social media ‘highlight reels’ just get to you even more. But I can reassure you it does lessen over time (comes in and out like waves) and the whole ‘mute words’ on twitter has been so helpful, the same with mute posts and stories on Instagram.
I cannot recommend doing this enough when struggling and recognizing your triggers, often muting causes less drama than an ‘unfollow’ as they have no idea you have done this – so no upset coming your way.
This is especially true when something traditionally seen as ‘happy’ or points of celebration for others who then want to shout/share constantly and throughout…that may make you feel lacking or bring back your past. This can lead one to feel a little guilty muting these, but honestly it would cause me to break down and compare uncontrollably. Since muting these things, I can put it out of mind and focus on the stuff that doesn’t cause that automatic ‘you’re a failure’ or ‘wish I had that, what’s wrong with me’ kinda feelings.
Ever since making this decision I have felt lighter and more calm. Even people closest to me have noticed a difference in how I am, again reaffirming I have made the right choice. I’m looking forward to leaving it behind and very much embracing anything new and different.
Don’t get me wrong there have been some positives here – training, experience now in the NHS, meeting new friends online from the bad that’s happened, realizing I am an attractive prospect in the dating world regardless of my illnesses again helps the ego a lil’ bit (not gonna lie).
So yes, I’m coming to a new fork in the road. However I’m not afraid of this. I’m weirdly…excited?! I am looking forward to some time for me too, to just finally breathe without Manchester and work hanging over my head. I have plans to start a new fitness routine, eating habits/diet, actually make and practice some better morning and night routines.
I have also noticed the huge difference getting to work earlier has made – I have been getting in at 7 but able to leave no later than 3 which, in terms of my CFS/Fibromyalgia has really helped. Sure it’s a mega early morning, but I actually have more time for me at the start of the day, which helps me feel calmer overall.
I think another thing I realized was just something as simple as getting up earlier can make to my mood and overall wellbeing. Can get things done earlier whilst I have the energy but also enjoy sunlight/better weather.
It’s just being wary of getting things done before the usual fatigue fog descends (which is before 3pm usually). However, I do enjoy (and look forward to) my post work naps…just need to work on waking back up. I seem to be so exhausted I sleep through everything – however my fitbit as an alarm is a pretty helpful way to wake actually. Something small but didn’t think of it till now!
Anyways, enough rambling. I feel September has been a real new feeling for me and a huge step forward in recovery. I am wanting to get into the spirit (literally – it’s Halloween next month) of Autumn – a time I usually start to dread due to seasonal affective disorder.
Therefore, anything I can do to get into the season really helps. It is nice to start burning my ‘fall’ bath and body works candle again, as well as choosing more red, mustard and burgundy heavier autumnal outfits for work has been fun. I do like my autumn winter work wardrobe – again another bonus.
This is where I will leave you now, I am hoping in more of my spare time I can work more on my blog and Youtube again. I am finally getting into a place of more headspace, where I want to do more of my hobbies. Its taken an age but having some ideas and plans in my head again has been great.
I am finding having regular ‘brain dumps’ where I scribble everything down in a notebook helpful for getting all those niggles out of your head that you want to get done. There’s more organization/tidying at home I will have time to do (including more decorating now I am back home), wanting to look up more slow cooker recipes and start using that, my smoothie/blender, decluttering, ideas for blog posts/youtube and to get back to editing/uploading semi regularly again.
Of course fitness and health are a big part of that too. I want to actually plan out my time when I am nearing finishing work. I have also actually had a lil’ buzz of applying for new and different jobs, any change is welcome to my new start..
Take care all, thanks for sticking with me during this very up and down – slow (in terms of content) period.
Much love, T x