It’s been a hot minute since I last posted.
Since then I have –
- been formally diagnosed with fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue syndrome
- left my job of the last few years
- started a new job (hopefully career)
- moved to a new city
- moved into a house renovation
- attempted 3 over doses
So it’s been a largely mixed few months, full of good…full of feeling lost.
I think from my recent experiences I can see why people take their own lives when things appear ‘well’.
Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming and you don’t think you can keep up with the relentless pace of life and its a way of pressing stop or getting others to finally realise you can’t continue they way you have been.
That being said, sometimes one has to hit a *major* low to actually be able to rise again. Since I currently feel more calm, more in control and maybe slightly less lost…sometimes.
I am now focussing on all the good, taking more time for me, enjoying the smaller things. One good has been all the support I have received online recently – particularly twitter – which has quite honestly blown me away! Sometimes you don’t need to be strong in yourself, you just need to be reminded and surrounded by other strong people who have your back.
There are some more good things though, my job is now an avenue of growth and opportunities rather being stuck and exploited. I’m learning new things, meeting new people and change can be a good thing when you have been in a rut as long as I have!
Living in a house renovation is very challenging though, it’s amazing the things you pick up though and the chaos you sort of live with. It’s something I have considered sharing at some point, things that can make someone else’s life possibly a bit easier if they would be interested (please lmk).
I am trying my best to manage my fatigue and pain, work are aware and I have been on citalopram which does seem to make a difference for me. However, I cannot tell you how much I look forward to my post work nap. I even manage to sleep through drilling, smashing and crashing during the week with the house renovation (it is a miracle honestly). It gives me energy to be somewhat of a functional human being in the evening after work – as well as helping mood.
Luckily in terms of the move, I have already been visiting the area for the past 3 years and home is only an hour away and that drive I have done that many times…and its still painful! But it is still nice catching up with my circle of friends who are the most genuine people I have ever met.
I am now commuting to university on a Tuesday which means I get to finish work earlier on that day (which again makes the week a bit more bearable) knowing I will have just a few hours of true alone time cosy at home before the long evening awaits and the late night drive back.
So in reality,
apart from the three major breakdowns (see Instagram and Twitter for all the details) I have been carrying on and taking in all the change. Sleep routine is much better and I do actually feel more of a productive human being. So that’s a win right?
In terms of blogging and YouTube, it is something I want to get back to. It’s just taken a lot longer than I would like! It is a nice hobby for me and we all know when you stop doing the things you enjoy and withdraw from the world…you’re getting ill. But I am trying to get back to it in my own time and not being too hard on myself. Baby steps my friends…
*cringe because I am pretty sure I am just typing to myself a this point*